Kick it up a notch

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Here's a list of things you can say during dinner on the one night a month you cook dinner that will help make you a jerk, and some ways that you can give it that extra flair that make you a full-on jerkwad:

Original Jerk: "Wow, this turned out great!"
Jerkwad Bonus: Never having ever said it about any one else's dinner.
Double-Jerkwad Bonus: The above plus it not being very good at all.

Original Jerk: "Hey, did the dog poop yet today?"
Jerkwad Bonus: It's the first thing you say when someone is sitting down.
Double-Jerkwad Bonus: ... to your dinner of Egg Fu Yung. I'll have the tossed salad next time.

Original Jerk: "I'll let you clean up."
Jerkwad Bonus: You've never once cleaned up.
Double-Jerkwad Bonus: Say it while making a big deal about how tired cooking made you.

Eldritch: Ah, the majestic Jerkwad. Loping through the praries, belittling the denizens of the Wad peninsula. Before him tremble the huddled masses of Dorkwads, Dipwads, and Gaywads. Of course, the Dickwads could probably stand up the Jerkwad, but they're too busy being, well, dicks.

I'm reminded of the seminal work in scholarship on the Wad population, from the academic journal The Onion: Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic Wad Accord:
...pan-wad unity is considered unlikely in the near future. Numerous wad factions, including the dickwad, dipwad, jerkwad and fuckwad groups, refused to participate in the wad accord.


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